


Handbook for the Recently Reanimated

by Cirilee



Series: Human Beetlejuice Cinematic Universe [1]
Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mostly Gen, Multi, Pre-OT3, the ot3 thing will be a slowburn probably so strap in this will take a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23597503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirilee/pseuds/Cirilee
Summary: Beetlejuice stays human and everyone, including him, has to deal with the consequences.
Relationships: Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice & Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice & Charles Deetz, Beetlejuice & Charles Deetz & Delia Deetz & Lydia Deetz & Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice & Delia Deetz, Beetlejuice & Lydia Deetz, Beetlejuice and all the adults basically, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Charles Deetz/Delia Deetz
Series: Human Beetlejuice Cinematic Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873768
Comments: 81
Kudos: 438





	1. the wedding

This was bad.

Adam really hoped the worst was over, because he couldn't imagine what could possibly follow this big I've-become-human-speech that wasn't incredibly horrible and violent.

But something different happened. Nothing, in fact, happened. It had become eerily silent instead. And then Adam realised that Barbara was hugging Beetlejuice. Her arms enveloping him and his red wedding suit, his head on her shoulder.

Lydia began to shout, angry.

"Stop it Barbara, you'll make him mad!" She faltered, sounding less confident, "Or maybe confuse him even more?"

Adam had since crossed the room to stand next to the awkward pair, and as he had walked closer he had noticed Beetlejuice wasn't exactly standing still. He seemed to shiver, the only thing holding him up being Barbara.

"What are you doing?", he whispered. Although the whole room was so quiet, everybody could most definitely still hear him.

Barbara grit her teeth.

"He seemed overwhelmed and lashing out, and I remembered those anger management classes we accidentally got enlisted in, and do you remember that teacher talking about pent up rages and how exhausting they are to the person being angry? And i was just noticing how he seemed to sway and before he could fall over-"

"Oh"

Barbara was more or less keeping him from falling face down on the floor, because, Beetlejuice, the demon, the menace, the host of Life or Death, wasn't actually conscious.

"He passed out?", Charles had finally joined them.

"He's passed out!", Lydia shouted, "We should strike now, while he's out cold!"

"Is he dead?", Delia asked, walking past Lydia.

"No, i can feel him breathing", Barbara replied, "But I'm actually kind of struggling to-" She started going down a bit, the man in her arms clearly starting to weigh her down, "I think me managing to hold him up this long is adrenalin related"

"Honey you dont-"

"Whatever adrenalin ghosts have, it has worked and now it's gone, Adam", Barbara snapped, but not without a smile, and Adam and Charles took over, maneuvering the unconscious Beetlejuice to the striped couch. His body lifelessy settled into the soft cushions, his face completely blank and relaxed, a stark change to the rage that had been going on there, just seconds ago. He seemed peaceful, Adam thought.

Barbara's hands were still warm, probably from holding him up this long. Then she asked herself how she'd even managed to do that. She was still a ghost, technically not able to manipulate any living objects. She certainly felt drained and tired. Leaning her head on Adam's shoulder helped. She kept her eyes trained on the sleeping human though. His hair a light brown, caked in dirt and spiderwebs, but brown, flopping over his face, concealing half of it.

Meanwhile Lydia was feeling pretty invisible.

"Hey you guys!", she shouted, "What does it matter if he's passed out, we need to kill him!"

The adults turned to her. Delia had turned white. Adam and Barbara would have probably too. After appropriate angry glaring from all three adults, except Charles, Adam took it upon himself to explain: "We do not condone murder, Lydia."

"But but", she was stuttering now, "But that was the plan, right? We talked about this"

Adam, Barbara and Delia promptly turned to Charles.

"What exactly was the actual plan?", Barbara asked, confused, her whole stance stiffening, "I know we didn't really have a chance to discuss, after you barged in during the gameshow - but i was under the impression we were just giving him what he wanted, because the platonic marriage thing was just a means to an end, in order to free him from being .. whatever he is."

Charles puffed out his chest, trying to sound dignified, as he always does. "No! He's ... He's actually a dangerous unfeeling creature-"

"I wouldn't call him unfeeling, he clearly has feelings, lots of them", Adam stuttered.

"Mostly of the negative kind, but we all have those too", Delia agreed, uncertain. "He talked about wanting to murder us but that game show lasted hours and he never did anything to actually harm us" She trailed off.

Barbara stomped with her foot, suddenly angry, and surprised at herself for being angry. Because she had realised what this was about. She might have never had kids, but all of this felt a little off, in a way that stories told by teenagers always do.

"Mister .. Charles?", she hadn't formerly adressed him before, she realised.

"Deetz - but .. Just Charles is fine, Misses-?"

"Barb- Ah, Maitland, Barbara. Just Barbara is fine with me too", she offered her hand, but Charles' phased through hers immediately, which they both chose to ignore.

"This is my husband Adam", Barbara said.

Charles chuckled, and smiled at the other ghost. "Good to know your name. Your gameshow plaque only read 'Sexy'." He laughed, but it felt uneasy so he stopped.

"I suppose you already became acquainted with my wife, Delia Schlimmer?", he suggested instead, to which both nodded.

"Faintly", Adam squeaked.

This was all unbelievably weird. In the midst of them, Beetlejuice the human had started snoring. His mouth wide open, teeth glinting, that had been fangs, mere moments before.

"So do we finish him off now or what!", Lydia asked, her voice considerably lowered now.

"Yes! The plan!", Charles' smile vanished. He turned to the other adults, "Lydia told me he was a feral creature?"

Barbara huffed. "He is not exactly the nicest guy, but he's clearly a thinking, talking, self aware being", Barbara exclaimed.

Adam was getting worked up now too and turned to the teen, "Lydia I'm shocked at you! You told your story in a way that wouldn't make your father question it, didn't you?" The last few words were spoken a bit softer than the rest. Adam couldn't help himself. Morals were a complicated subject if you're dealing with demonic entities and the teenagers entangled in their mess.

He looked into her steely eyes, his stern expression melting a bit, "You don't want to kill Beetlejuice", he said, emphasizing the 'don't'. "You were goofing around with him for a week after you BOTH scared your father away!"

"What?" Charles exclaimed. Not really angry, but getting there.

Adam and Barbara felt uncomfortable ratting Lydia out to her parent, but preventing more murder was a higher priority right now.

"Lydia and Beetlejuice are ... or were ... They were _friends_ ", Barbara winced, "Weird and **very** obnoxious friends, that made us hide in the attic. They had a fight"

"He was being a dick!", Lydia shouted, then thinking of something better, "Wait, he almost exorcised you, Barbara! He tried, okay, he _talked_ about killing all of you! So of course our plan should be to not let him do that!"

"And that plan should involve killing him?", Delia cut in, her voice shaking.

"I married him to save you guys!" Lydia was getting louder again, "So he'd become mortal and killable"

Meanwhile Charles was in the middle of processing this new information, "So he's not actually just some mindless wretch?" He was scanning the man before him, spread out on the couch, as vulnerable as someone could possibly lay down on something. He reminded Charles of some slacker college type guy, now without all the neon grime attached to him, he looked maybe thirty, in his late twenties perhaps.

"Lydia!"

Lydia's fists clenched. She didn't look at her father, she very well knew from the tone of his voice, that he wasn't pleased. Charles put a heavy hand on her shoulder. She looked up to find him smiling at her. It was tired and weary, but still, a smile.

"We will talk about all of this, but right now it's 1am and the ones among us who are still living, are probably hungry. Can you go order some dinner-"

"You'll let him stay-?"

Charles sighed. "We will talk about it"

Lydia left the room, and Delia, Charles, Barbara and Adam collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

Delia immediately began poking Beetlejuice's cheeks with a crystal attached to one of her necklaces. "Why do you think he passed out?", she asked.

"Overwhelmed by the first physical touch he felt in millenia?", Adam guessed. At Charles' questioning glance, he explained how their first meeting went.

"He's a real lonely guy it seems"

"Doesn't excuse chasing my wife and me out of my own house"

"Or trying to exorcise me", Barbara added.

Delia shushed all of them. "I think he's waking up", she whispered, exasperated because of this, and not really knowing why. He was just a guy now. More on the tiny side height wise, and definitely not fit enough to lift and throw any of the adults present. Maybe she wasn't afraid as much as she was excited.

Adam and Barbara were holding hands without noticing, while Charles was just reorganizing all the questions he wanted to ask in order of life-saving importance.

The human in front of them groaned, his eyes blinking open lazily, his legs stretching. He opened his mouth and started coughing, and when he opened it again to speak, his voice sounded way less gravelly. It sounded ... normal, for lack of a better word.

"I haven't fainted since that mass orgy in france over that parfume guy", he drawled, "And I wouldn't count that as fainting, more like, blissfully letting go ... I digress ... What did you guys do, show me the goods only to have Adam reveal a tentacle dick with a mouth?"

He scratched his beard, "Scratch that, that wouldn't shock me", he stilled, snickering, "Honestly what _would_ shock me? ... I think I've seen everything there is on this realm and all the other realms or whatever ..."

He smiled a little then stood up, making everyone make way, as he waltzed to the door without a second glance.

"Well it's been real you guys, but this guy is gonna go meet some people, date most of them, fuck a lot of them and enjoy the living shit out of this opportunity! I am certain there are great things ahead of me, tell Lydia I said hi, bye, see you never again!"

That's when the ground beneath his feet opened up and started to bite into him, much like a mouth, and in a haze of orange smoke, a hunched over figure emerged, fangs beared and tower of hair towering over a very meek looking, suddenly also very panicked looking, Beetlejuice.

"YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING, you waste of my loins!"

"Mom, not in front of other people"

"MOM?"

Even Lydia had joined the other humans and ghosts echoing the word. Which was perfect for Juno.

"YOU!", she screeched, pointing her black fingernails at the teen.

"You and your father belong to the Netherworld! You enter, you do NOT get OUT! That's the rules!"

"NO!", Beetlejuice interjected, his voice trembling with unhidden fear and panic. Adam and Barabara winced at that. It sounded like he had zero control over how much of his feelings bled into his sentences. "NO I will not let you take them! NO!"

Juno laughed, "You- You won't _let_ me? You realize you're a powerless little fleabag now, do you? Somehow you managed to make yourself even MORE worthless-"

"I will let you do whatever you want with me-"

"Let me? _LET_ me, Beetlejuice?", she bent down, her back cracking, so she could sneer directly in his face. "I can do whatever I want with you _right now_ ", she said, and with a gesture of her hand, the floor, that had still been gripping onto his legs became alive once more, ripping into his knees, causing him to growl in pain and pent up rage and panic. He tipped over, shaking, trying to surpress his outburst.

"You are so stupid", she sighed, petting his head, a few dazed spiders crawling from his hair onto her fingernails, much like rats, abandoning a sinking ship.

"Why would you ever want this? Look at you, crying over your, now broken, legs. It honestly makes me sad, Lawrence. Do you know how long it takes a human to heal itself from that?"

As if she just now remembered they existed, she turned to the Deetz/Maitlands. Her face went maniacal for a second, before a lightbulb seemed to light up over her head.

"Maybe this can be a useful lesson to you", she wondered aloud, and the more she spoke, the more her face lit up, " _Yes_ , I think I can turn this whole sorry state of affairs around, into something more to my liking. This can be a learning experience for you"

She flicked her wrist, and Beetlejuice was pulled out of the hole in the ground by invisible forces, his face scrunched up in pain, only angry growls emanating from him.

"You mortals shall be cursed with having to take care of this failure of a son of mine", she declared and let him fall face down at their feet.

"That alone should be punishment enough for the worst of the worst", she murmured, aloud she said, "If he manages to settle in with you, you can keep him for all i care"

To Beetlejuice she said, "But you'll come crawling back to me." With the faintest hint of what could have resembled affection she added, "You always do."

And with that she was gone, the hole in the ground neatly sewed shut, and one Beetlejuice with both legs broken, bleeding out on their carpet.

At least they would have pizza for dinner, Lydia thought.

****

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[GO SHOW HER SOME LOVE !!](https://lazifyre.tumblr.com/)


	2. everyone is very tired and a flashback happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia and Beetlejuice fight in this one

So that was that. Beetlejuice, the human was knocked out once again, and his mother Juno had just dissolved into a cloud of smoke.

“We need an ambulance!”, Barbara shouted, on her knees, trying to gauge what position on the floor would be the least painful for Beetlejuice. He didn’t react in any way to her moving him around. Adam sat down beside her. “He’s not bleeding”, he remarked.

Beetlejuice’s legs, which had seconds ago, been ripped into by splintering floorboards, where cleaned up. From the thighs down, his red wedding pants had gotten torn beyond repair, but his legs only bore scattered markings of lighter skin, crisscrossing under his knees and shins.

With a shout their patient’s eyes snapped open and his upper body shot into the air, knocking his head into both theirs, all three groaning in unison and rubbing their foreheads.

“Ugh. This is embarrassing. Can you all just forget Juno was even here?”, Beetlejuice said, avoiding any eye contact, with his hands still on his forehead and face.

Charles huffed, “We very well can’t, since she apparently cursed us! What does that mean!”

“Will you lower your voice, fainting twice in a row isn’t healthy for humans. You’re a weak species, you shouting could probably make me die of shock or something!”, he grinned, despite himself seemingly overjoyed, “After all, I am one of you now! I actually did it - You crazy son of a bitch”

He turned his head, “Why thank you, me”

Turned his head again, “You know you deserve it, love”

Turning his head once more, but this time, Barbara’s fingernails burrowed into his chin, turning his face her way, finally forcing him to look someone of the party surrounding him, in the eye.

“What did Juno _do_?!”, Barbara wailed, exasperated, on the verge of losing her last nerves, and drawing out the 'do' extensively.

Her strong grip definitely didn’t fit her tone of voice, but this has been a long night for all of them and now she was again draining her strength in order to touch the human’s face in the first place. She shuddered, her hand suddenly disappeared through Beetlejuice’s features.

“Woah woah woah, slow down, Babs, you’re still a level one spectre!” Beetlejuice sounded so genuinely understanding. He motioned to pat her on the shoulder, but remembered he wasn’t part of her plane of existence anymore and frowned.

“Mister Beetlejuice!”, Charles was once again demanding attention, “This curse-”

The doorbell ringing caught all of them off guard, Delia, Adam and Barbara squeaking in surprise, while Charles harrumphed, took charge, let the unanswered questions slide and went to open the door.

“That’s definitely the pizzas”, Lydia commented.

In response to a glance from Delia, Lydia added, “Yes one of them’s vegan” Delia smiled, as if her whole day had been saved by vegan pizza and not by weird netherworld laws, turning demons into humans via marriage.

Marriage. Lydia face fell as she remembered.

“The wedding was fake”, she announced out of nowhere.

“‘Course it was”, Beetlejuice replied from the floor.

Lydia walked up to him, arms folded, stared him down, while he stared up at her, resting belly-up on the floor, grinning, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“If it was fake, how come you’re human?”

“Because Dornröschen actually didn’t get saved by the prince. He tried to get through the thorns, sure, but guess what? Thorns fucking suck, so he gave up and fucked right off. And after twenty years the thorns finally wither and the princess emerges on her own, finally free of that sleep spell, saved by nobody, but alive and well and then she finds the prince again and they establish a loving relationship and have six kids out of wedlock!”

Lydia’s eyes narrowed. She kicked him lightly with her foot, Beetlejuice reacting lazily by swatting at her leg, but he relented eventually, “Okay okay, look! Point is! This is classic half assed fairytale storytelling you’re dealing with here. Someone in hell made up those rules and then never thought about them again. All it took was some kind of wedding. Some kind of ‘you do’ and ‘yea i do’ type stuff. No specifics. So no, Lydia, just because you guys danced around and threw a party, doesn’t mean we’re legally married, as in, in the books of some cosmic law or something.”

Lydia was almost ready to let it go. Then she exploded.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT SOONER!”, she shouted, without warning, startling Beetlejuice, who hastily scrambled away from her, trying to get his feet under him but toppling backwards, his back crashing against the nearest wall, Lydia continued advancing on him, clenched fists shaking.

“You tortured Barbara, caused me to jump into hell, put Delia and my dad and all of us in danger! If you had just explained-”

“Now wait wait wait!”, Beetlejuice was getting angry now, “I **did** explain it to you!” 

“Don’t you dare say-”

“It was a-”

“Shut up!”

“Greencard thing-! I never-”

“You were a dick about my mom!”

“Oh”, Beetlejuice’s eyes were growing darker, his face twisting, “Oh now we get to the point, do we? ‘Twas never about me marrying you, was it, I just hurt your precious feelings by being a bit more outspoken than everyone else who just coddles you all day!”

He imitated Charles’ voice to near perfection.

“Oh Lydia please be happy, oh Lydia how about we buy a whole new house for us, oh we’re so rich and you’ll have a floor to yourself, hopefully that's enough space for your giant ego”, he changed into Adam's voice, “I love you Lydia, despite you being hateful and selfish”, then Barbara, “Please be our surrogate daughter, we love you, despite you clearly not respecting us at all”, Delia, “You’re a weird freak, I’m afraid of you-”

He probably would have continued with Otho, if Lydia hadn’t punched him in the face.

*********

They had been having so much fun together, scaring away whoever happened to knock on the door, even the Maitlands didn't dare interrupt their partying, and now she wanted to bring in someone else, someone who probably didn't even sever their own limbs just for fun ...

“But- But I thought we were pals!”

Lydia halted in her steps, looked back at him, her face unreadable. “What are you talking about?”

When he didn’t reply, her expression finally took on some color, “Just now you didn’t even wanna help me find my **mom**!”

He opened his mouth, but words failed him. It was as if she hadn’t even listened to him earlier.

“I **told** you! Mothers are overrated! Why find someone who doesn’t wanna be found. She’s **dead** ” Lydia flinched, “ **Dead** ”, he repeated, just to see her flinch again, “Just like me, the only difference is that I’m actually able to be here with you!”

“Well I don't want _you_ here! I want my mom! I wish you were **dead** for real, if it meant, she could come back! She's my mom, she understands me, she's the only one ... ”, Lydia gulped down her words, before they became even more painful to say.

They both got very silent.

“I think”, Lydia slowly breathed in and out before continuing, “I think I’m canceling our friendship.” Her nose wrinkled, “But you’re just some heartless demon anyways.”

“OH!”, he shouted back, suddenly talking very fast, fangs showing, “OH WELL, you know what you are? YOU’RE SELFISH! WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID MOM-”

His sentence cut off aprubtly after that last bit, his face blank, in surprise and shock. He started fidgeting, his hands shaking, “That …”

Lydia eyes had never been this big.

“That didn’t come out right-”

“I HATE YOU!”

“AS IF I CARE!”, he cried in return, tears already spilling out of his face, but she was gone, up the stairs, into the waiting arms of those cursed Maitlands. He'd be replaced. Just like that.

“I DONT CARE”, he bellowed as loud as he could. “Who needs you! You spoiled brat! Who needs her, she’s just a stuck up, selfish … “

Darkness filled the entrance hall, his chest hurting in places it never hurt before. Well. Well she didn’t want to be his friend anymore. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t help him find other friends. She probably wasn’t as inclined to help him anymore now, but that was nothing a little intimidating couldn’t solve.

Going the villain route? Yeah why not. That was routine at least. He could play a villain. He still _was_ a villain. Apparently. And with enough concentrating he managed to hold onto that little bit of anger. Being angry would be way more satisfying than this sad performance.

******

"Do you know how much my nose is hurting right now? And I just got my legs broken and instantly reformed, so those are kinda wobbly too. Not to mention the fact that I was dead for the last millennia of my existence, who knows if my new flesh brain can even comprehend my whole backstory! Come to think of it, does the human brain even have enough storage space for millennia of memories? Oh it's hurting already just thinking about it .. And **you** decided to punch it square in the nose!"

"Stop whining, wimp!", Lydia hissed.

They had been seated on opposite ends of the dining table (by a very grim faced Charles) and they were _still_ quarreling. Beetlejuice's nose was covered under the few bandages Delia had plastered onto him, his features distorted into a sorry grimace. He looked as if he were about to cry any moment now.

It was such a stark change to the feral creature from before, never without a smirk, always fighting to be on top of things. Barbara caught herself feeling sorry for him, while Adam was just amazed they hadn't given in to his make-me-human plan the first chance they got.

In his current state, as it seemed, he wouldn't even be able to hurt a spider without tripping over a dustcorn and breaking 20% of his bones. Beetlejuice wasn't a threat to anyone anymore. Besides maybe, to himself.

"Are you really this cold and heartless?"

Beetlejuice and Lydia's bickering had been a constant background noise for a few minutes, but now Adam looked up from his plate, surprised at how agonizingly hurt the former demon sounded. It hurt to hear his already gravelly voice, break even further./p>

All because of these new chemicals floating through that mind. Before, Adam couldn't have imagined ever being able to trust that man's expressions. But now Beetlejuice was an open book. A sad, happy, overwhelmed, and right now, very hurt book.

"You actually wanted to kill me, didn't you!", Beetlejuice spat, tears crunching up his face again. "Willyoustopitwiththewaterworks!!", he hissed to himself, and tried to get his eyes under control by clawing at them.

That gave Lydia some time to process the question. Not enough though, as soon as she had his full attention again, she still wasn't ready to reply.

"You wanted to kill me!", Beetlejuice repeated, stuffing pizza in his mouth, as if that would give his statement more weight.

"Well sure!", Lydia said, at a normal volume, leaning into her chair, "You'd come back as a ghost. No big deal"

"NO BIG DEAL-" Now he was livid, he stood up and sat down again, huffing and puffing, and finally Beetlejuice discovered words again: "I can respect you, in spite of having inferior comprehension skills, so I won't complain about having to explain this to you again, because society is already hard enough on slow learners, so for the last time, just for you", he took an angry breath.

"I am of the monkey related variety now! I am flesh! Blood! I can be hurt! Even if I'd come back as a ghost, killing me would obviously _hurt_ me, you stupid-"

"Lawrence!", Charles shouted and everybody looked up at him. His face made of stone, mouth thin. "I think Lydia understands it now"

Lydia did in fact, look a bit taken aback. She finally lowered her gaze.

"You called my mom stupid", she said, very quietly.

Nearly everyone seated on that table expected some sort of nasty comeback at that.

Instead Beetlejuice looked up with his tearful eyes and simply said, "I'm sorry."

Nothing came from Lydia, she didn't meet his eyes, didn't react.

"Look kid", it seemed to take a lot out of Beetlejuice to talk right now, his forehead bearing deep wrinkles, "I shouldn't have made a whole evil scheme out of it, tricking you into exorcising Barbara, forcing you to do this thing with the marriage ... I'm sorry for that too", He turned to look at Barbara and Adam and Delia and Charles, "I didn't plan to stay long enough to say this, but for what it's worth. That wasn't fair to you guys. Just got caught up in the energy of it all, you know?"

"No we don't know", Charles grumbled, "But thank you, for apologizing. I can't speak for everyone on this table, but I am willing to look past these shenanigans, if you actually mean it, and this is not just your heightened emotional state talking"

"Even I don't know that last one", Beetlejuice admitted, with a very forced, shaky smile, "I'm certainly feeling a lot right now"

Awkwardly, but with force behind her voice, Delia said, "That's good. You're being open with us. We'll be open with you, and I'll start: You're still making me a bit uncomfortable"

Adam raised his hand, "Me too"

Barbara nodded.

Charles took the opportunity, to finally talk about the one thing that had been making him uneasy since that horrid old woman disappeared, "Yet you will be staying with us, judging by what your mother told us?"

Beetlejuice's face fell, and he tensed up. "Honestly, I don't know what kind of curse it is, she placed on you. Or me. I probably can't leave the house. Most of these are house related", he smirked at that, but didn't explain further, "What were her exact words? Did she say anything while I was out cold?"

 _Oh, right._ Charles didn't consider that Beetlejuice hadn't even been awake for that part. What _did_ that woman exactly say?

'If he manages to settle in with you, you can keep him for all i care' and addressed to the former demon 'you'll come crawling back to me'.

A little bit at the end of his wits he shot a look to the other three adults in the room. Delia looked as clueless as he, while Adam and Barbara decidedly shook their heads, as subtly as they could, without Beetlejuice noticing.

"She didn't say anything specific", Charles decided on saying, "Just that if you manage to live in this house as a human, you could stay - she meant stay in the living world, I suppose"

He tried make it not sound like a question at the end, and it seemed to work.

Beetlejuice brightened up right away, a grin splitting his face, his hurting nose forgotten, "That's all? Chuck you got yourself a curse for first graders, this is perfect - makes me a little suspicious even, that it's that simple! I'll be out of your hair in no time"

"Can't wait to finally be rid of that smell", Lydia piped up from the far end of the table.

Her face was still obscured by her bangs, but there was a smile in her voice. And Beetlejuice laughed and grinned even brighter, "Oh no no no no! That I can promise, once I'm done with this rattrap it'll never NOT smell like cockroach corpses in here! This place will be the Madame Tussauds of stenches!"

She actually giggled, "That doesn't even make sense"

"Your face doesn't make sense, scarecrow!"

"You're comebacks are so bad!"

"Well I'm tired and you don't pay me enough for them to be good!"

"I don't pay you anything!"

"Proving my point here ..."

And before he could register what was happening her tiny arms were enveloping him in a tight hug, her face smushed against his chest.

"I'm sorry about wanting to kill you", she whispered.

"Everyone hear that?", Beetlejuice announced in his loudest, most obnoxious voice, "She's sorry too, so I'm not the only asshole here!"

And from that point on the evening finally faded into more relaxed conversations, at least for Charles, Delia, Adam and Barbara. While Beetlejuice and Lydia were finally friends again and acting as such, tearing the dining room apart while talking about their favourite serial killers, the remaining adults kept trying to get to know each other.

But they couldn't stop themselves. As soon as Charles deemed Beetlejuice and Lydia preoccupied enough he turned to Adam and Barbara and cut the previous topic short, "What do you know about this Juno woman's curse?"

"Nothing", Adam said, "But I didn't want you to repeat what she said word for word to Beetlejuice because-, well, because he's probably even more sensitive than before about his mother. With how his emotional outbursts are going-"

Barbara added, "I don't think it would help him to know she thinks he'll 'crawl back to her'. Really, I don't understand what that nasty woman's problem is"

Delia let out a snort, "Well, she's got him for a son, for a start"

"Delia!"

"We can't just put all the blame on her!", Delia defended herself, trying to avoid Adam and Barbara's surprised stares, "Yes she seemed terrifying and horrible, but so did _he_ the first time you all met him, right? Whatever their problems are, we don't know enough to put blame on any of the two ..."

Charles opened his mouth to agree, when Beetlejuice strode over to their table, Lydia placed over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. At their shocked expressions he quickly explained, "She fell asleep you guys, stop it!", he turned her over in his arms to show them a perfectly healthy tiny goth, chest rising and falling. "It's almost 8am, the exhaustion must have finally gotten to her - and I started telling her about this cool mansion I was haunting once, that this cooky couple investigated, and it might have just given her the rest - she must have passed out from fright"

Adam smiled, his chest warming up in something akin to affection, "You told her a bedtime story?"

"I- Erm ... I certainly did not!", Beetlejuice whisper-shouted, indignant, turning red in an instant, while Charles took Lydia in his arms.

"I'm gonna put her to bed", he announced, cutting the amusement short. He longed for his bed, "Delia can you show Lawrence our guest room?"

Delia nodded, but couldn't help but smirk.

***

As they were alone in their double bed, Delia finally remarked: "You called him Lawrence, Charles. Isn't that weird?"

A grunt from her husband, then an annoyed sigh. "It is weird. But he looks so normal now. It would be weirder calling him something like 'Beetlejuice'"

"We shouldn't forget that that's his actual name though", Delia said.

"Do you trust him, Charles?"

Charles laughed at that, "Gods no"

"Good", Delia sighed, "Even though I was just an 'apprentice' of Otho - or Kevin I guess-"

"Kevin?", Charles interrupted.

"That's his real name. Turns out he was an impostor. All of his teachings - total lies"

Charles couldn't bear her sounding so upset.

He finally sat up and pressed his face to hers. "You were always learning this stuff on your own too, doing your own research. I don't think you ever needed that snake oil salesman"

"Well that was actually going to be my point, Charles", Delia laughed, "I think I know enough about this stuff, even if Otho turned out to be a Kevin, that I'm certain I can deal two ghosts and a former demon in our house."

"I'm glad", Charles drawled, tired beyond the meaning of the word. If he hadn't been on the brink of falling asleep though, he would have probably laughed at that. A few crystals against cosmic forces? At least Delia was confident. He was just dying to get a bit of normalcy back into his life.

***

some absolutely awesome fanart for this chapter by @angelic-chu on tumblr (@blue_star_charmer on insta) !! LOOK:

(that last one gets me hardcore, it hurts so much ,....,,,, !! - pls go check out their art !!! ;V;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashback scene is actually one of the first things I drew fanart for ! :D You can see it here:  
> https://cirilee.tumblr.com/post/612925899070930944/cirilee-all-im-saying-is-they-didnt-really


	3. barbara fucks up the kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beetlejuice is very tired in this one

The next day, was the day Delia learned that she couldn't with deal two ghosts and a former demon in her house.

Her and Charles had been able to convince Lydia to go to school. Then Charles had left for his real estate affairs. He seemed so happy to return to some well deserved boring paperwork. And Delia herself had been planning on preparing some second breakfast for herself (good for the soul), wenn a coughing made her jump.

"There used to be wallpaper in here"

Barbara and Adam were standing (floating) in her (their?) kitchen.

They seemed unsure of themselves.

"Where did you-", Adam hesitated, "Can we have it back"

Delia could see through them, the walls behind them painted in enough garish turquoise that they themselves shimmered turquoise-ish.

"What wallpaper?"

"It had flowers on it", Barbara chimed in.

"Chinoiserie, late 17th century - it was-", Adam frowned, Barbara's hand rested on his shoulder now, "It was hand painted?"

Delia shook her head. "The relocators must have put it away"

****

It must have been in the middle of the night, because Beetlejuice was _not at all_ ready to be awake yet.

"'Put it away', did you hear her Barbara?"

Woah. For being adorable as hell, these two seemed pretty pissed off.

"Oh I heard her! And how she basically shooed us out of our kitchen!"

In seconds, Beetlejuice had got out of his guest bed and up the stairs, stopping right in front of the attic door.

"These horrid colors all over the kitchen that took us a whole weekend to assemble!"

Should he announce himself?

He opened the door, grin on his face, ready to join in on the hot gossip. But Barbara didn't look angry at all, she was sad.

"Its her kitchen now", she said, suddenly dejected, sitting down on one of the chairs, and promptly phasing through it, landing on the ground with a yelp.

Adam motioned to help, but noticed Beetlejuice. "Were you listening in?", he accused, hands going to his hips in a disgruntled pose.

"Yes", Beetlejuice simply proclaimed, unashamed.

"Who's got y'all hot and bothered? Miserable does not look good on either of you"

Barbara groaned in annoyance. "Are you gonna continue making your advances toward us? You're human now, you could date anyone you want. Please leave us alone"

This surprised Beetlejuice, "You're actually right, Babs. We should eventually figure out if I can leave this house" He shook his head, "But that's not important now! I've never seen you pissed off for real - this is awesome! Focus on that!"

Adam huffed, "Why should we focus on something negative. Being angry isn't productive or nice!"

Beetlejuice physically gasped, he flinched, "Did you even listen to me, when I was teaching you about haunting!!" He threw his arms towards the ceiling in the most dramatic fashion and waltzed into the middle of the attic, placing himself between Barbara on the floor, and Adam, who looked more annoyed with every second.

"You- You didn't even try! That wasn't teaching, that was just lots of shouting and being mean!"

Beetlejuice growled, but it sounded way less scarier in his oversized-hoodie-clad,drowsy and disheveled human form. Where did he get that hoodie? Looked like one of Lydia's, with a printed on band logo that resembled a stack of parched branches.

"Again: You didn't listen!", Beetlejuice yawned, and and swayed a little, "As ghosts, you got no physical body, right?"

Adam and Barbara shared a look.

They both nodded.

"So the only thing that's left is your emotions - Sounds sappy, and it is. You can only affect the living world if you're feeling something strong enough. That's why I wanted you to concentrate on things you hate", Beetlejuice had seemed ready to fall asleep, but now he lightened up again, "But now you're actually, for real, angry! So who's this about! Who stole your kitchen?"

They were silent for a bit. An unheard conversation between them, only communicated through facial expressions.

If they they involved _this guy_ in a possible fight with the wife of the person who graciously let them stay for now ... Who knew if this situation couldn't still end up in a double exorcism. And was Charles even planning to let them stay in the first place? The four of them hadn't discussed that yet.

"What if they don't want us in their house", Barbara said.

"Chuck and Delmira?", Beetlejuice asked. "Lydia definitely wants you here"

"You said _their_ house", Adam remarked.

"Well it is their house!", Barbara murmured, realizing something, "We don't own anything in here anymore. They bought this estate fair and square"

Beetlejuice shook out a laugh, "Yea, duh!", he snickered, and to himself he muttered, "Dumb, but sexy. Always loved that combination."

Meanwhile, Adam was getting sad, "It's horrid what they're doing ... And it is theirs - But doesn't the fact that we can't even leave, sorta make it ours again?"

They both went silent.

"You could make it yours by haunting it-"

"No, Beetlejuice!", both exclaimed. "We like them just fine as people", Barbara explained, "And we really like Lydia of course. But I don't know if us actually living together would work"

"It's about Dagmar trashing your hippie paper hangings?", Beetlejuice gasped, rubbing his hands together, grinning, "Oh it's revenge time! We're gonna make her pay!"

"No, nobody's gonna pay!", Adam said.

"Hey! Come on! You guys, actually listen to me for once!", he clapped his hands together with every word, "Haunting isn't equal to murdering someone by eating their eyeballs! I'm talking about floating vases, eerie piano music coming from nowhere and everywhere and ... ", dramatic pause, " ... changing the appearance of some walls ...!"

They both looked up at that.

"You could even ask Dolemite beforehand if she'd be ok with it, if you feel like being super weenies today"

Barbara finally lifted herself up from the floor, and smiled. "That's actually" She stopped herself, surprised, "It's actually a good idea" She turned to Adam. Adam, nodded, but still seemed unsure. "We still don't know if we're actually able to do that though", he remarked.

"Oh wait was that all?", Beetlejuice seemed beyond disappointed, "I thought there was some hot drama going on. It's really just about your lame flower prints?"

He yawned again, this time the swaying won over, and he collapsed into the chair Barbara had tried sitting in, as if his strings had been cut. Soft snoring emitted from him. "He's out like a light", Barbara said.

"Maybe he isn't used to actually needing to sleep?", Adam guessed. He poked Beetlejuice in the forehead, who's eyes immediately cracked open again.

Barbara frowned, "How come touching people comes so easy to you?", she asked, "I somehow can't stay solid for longer than a few seconds and I'm exhausted every time I try"

"Really-?"

"That would be directly connected to your emotions, Babs", Beetlejuice interrupted him, still drowsy, "As I said", another yawn, "You're not feeling anything that's strong enough"

Adam guffawed. "And I'm supposed to feel anything strong right now?"

"You're scared", Beetlejuice snickered, "I could smell your fear from miles away. You piss your pants every chance you get, it's 24/7, even now. And it's intense enough to keep you solid" His face scrunched up in empathy, "Woah, I'm sorry Adam. Are you really that upset all the time", Beetlejuice gripped his sweater where his new heart must have been, "Woah woah, I feel _really_ sorry for you. I know what it's like to be scared all the time. Just never had it delivered to me through a flesh and blood system. These chemicals hurt immensely"

"Weird", Adam remarked, "I'm a bit nervous, but that's it"

"Look at us, actually having a conversation, you're finally learning! Your ghost emotions are dulled for you, but still there none the less", Beetlejuice smiled, with his eyes closed. He shook himself awake. "Woah, all this theoretical stuff must be the thing making me tired"

In almost one motion he was on his feet, "It's time for some practice!"

"What do you mean?"

He took Adam's hand, who took Barbara's hand, and lead them through the attic door, down the stairs, "What I mean is you're gonna pimp this house back to its way lamer, but charming, original state! Haunt Delaware, but haunt her in your own mysterious pussy ways, I guess. It's a harmless prank that'll show her that you miss how it looked when you were alive and then you can get all sad on her and tell her how much dying hurt, that always works." He practically beamed, so sure of himself. Adam and Barbara found themselves being swept away by his sleepy optimism. "You'll do it right now! Because I'm bored and I wanna see some action"

Still, Adam, wanted to reign in the craziness at least a bit, "Wait, Beetlejuice!"

At Adam saying his name, he stopped, his surprised grin radiating poor joy. Amazed, he said, "Say that again!"

"Why?", Barbara asked.

He tightened his grip on Adam, "Please!"

It was the third time that was dangerous, so Adam repeated, "Beetlejuice?"

Said person stood still for a bit, until relief flooded his form. He sighed, closed his eyes, and leaned back against the stair railing.

"What's the matter?", both Maitlands finally asked

"No tugging!", he exclaimed in pure bliss, "No uncomfortable pushing! No curse no more!" He started pulling off his sweater (to a very uncomfortable audience of one embarrassed Adam and a slightly curious Barbara).

His chest was hairy and chubby, but well rounded, and with excitement he pointed out a spot beneath his sternum.

"This is where the nail used to be!", he explained, while putting his sweater back on.

"What nail?"

"The 'Say-my-name-3-times-thing? It was a curse my mom put on me, and the nail was the object she used. That thing was long, 4 inches at least - heh - and every time someone said my name it would act up and hurt like a bitch, let me tell you"

"Not that my name came up that often", he wondered, and shrugged. "Was still a shitty thing to attach to that cursing me thing"

Adam and Barbara just stared.

"Why did she curse you?", Barbara asked.

"Because she is terrible, Barbs!", Beetlejuice cried, and looked away, his eyes suddenly struggling to meet Adam or Barbara's.

Human Beetlejuice was not good at lying, Adam decided.

"She wanted to get rid of me, as she always does, because I got a bit heated during one off her stupid work affairs and she banished me!", he took a deep breath, "She was always on about how i never shut up and then she found the perfect ironic punishment! Imprisoning me in a realm where no one could have heard me, even if I'd kept screaming my head off for years ... "

He trailed off, every word becoming weaker and more forlorn. "Oh it was horrible, so lonely, so cold and I was always there, watching, but never _there_. Like being in a coma, but being aware for all of it, only that nobody was standing outside my hospital bed, waiting for me to wake up, no, nobody wanted this douchebag back into their lives" His world seemed to get smaller, the walls closing in, Adam and Barbara vanishing out of existence, "Down there I'd been ignored too, but at least I could force them to listen ... Make them scream, make them notice me ... But the living world ..."

His finally stopped ranting, Adam was touching his shoulder, his face concerned and unsure.

His voice was a bit shaky, but genuine. "Are there any therapists for demons? Is that a profession 'down there'?"

"Pffff", Beetlejuice shook himself, as if that would get rid of these pesky emotions, "There are lots of deceased ones, but Juno didn't really have the time to establish a health care system yet"

"Juno's in charge of that?"

"Well she's in charge of ... everything down there"

Adam and Barbara looked at each other, then at Beetlejuice.

"It might be a weird time to ask this, but", Barbara couldn't stop herself, "Where's god? And satan?"

Beetlejuice took a deep breath. "I don't think even Juno knows that"

"But you know about them?", Adam asked, incredulous, "Are there churches in the Netherworld?"

"What? No?", Beetlejuice laughed, "Come to think of it, they should start building some I guess. But no, erm, the Netherworld's full of dead people from _here_ , so of course they know about that stuff. But if there's a god or satan, he never checked in. So Juno's in charge."

"And why is she in charge?"

Beetlejuice loved talking, but now his eyes were closing, his head drooping, "Ok now I'm getting bored again, we can talk about the specifics later, can you please just try to spook Del Ray a bit, so I can be amused by something?"

They were still standing at the railing, looking down the big foyer. 'Del Ray' was still making breakfast-cooking sounds, back in the kitchen.

Barbara's hands tightened into fists.

She turned to Beetlejuice, determined, "Okay, how do we do this!"

He smiled. Maybe he had been going at this from the wrong angle, the first time he tried to teach them. They definitely needed more suggestion and less creative freedom.

"I think you need to just listen to Delilah over there", he said, "Hear her humming to herself as if she owns the place? Do you know how I instantly knew what you were so upset about? I saw her tearing those wallpapers off herself! Said she hated how dull and prissy everything looked", Barbara's nostrils flared, and with a surprised grin he kept talking, not really thinking about what he was saying, "Oh yes, she said that! And Charles joined in, said he loved her artwork, and they have plans to, erm, to put a terrace where your bedroom was"

"What bedroom", Adam asked.

Beetlejuice didn't notice the nervous trembling in Adam's voice, "Oh yeah, your bedroom-"

"The one where Charles and Delia sleep in n-"

"Noo, dear, that other bedroom that wasn't anyone's yet, even I didn't go in there when I was still invisible - didn't need to, because you never went in there, and you were much more interesting, but yes, they wanna demolish that specific room, i've heard them talk about it"

The railing under Barbara's hand cracked, the wood splintering faintly.

"Yes, perfect Barbs!", Beetlejuice was grinning, "Concentrate on that anger!"

Before Beetlejuice could congratulate her in full, he was knocked back by an incredible furious invisible force.

"Barbara!", Adam was holding her hands, as her feet weren't touching the ground anymore and her face was twisted up in a fury they'd never seen on that angelic face before.

Barbara said nothing, her teeth clenched, her eyes a blinding white, and then they heard something in the kitchen exploding.

"Oh", Beetlejuice peeped, sounding very scared, "That can't be good-"

Delia instantly came running into the foyer - flames licking out of the kitchen and after her, her desperation evident in her stumbling towards the steps, her phone in hand, already calling the fire department probably. "Oh my god, Lawrence! You need to come with me, I can't put out this fire, the firemen'll take care of this, AH"

Lawrence had taken her phone and thrown it against the nearest wall.

Delia just stared at her hand where it had been moments ago.

"Fuck those fireman, they can't help!", Lawrence shouted, and took Delia's phoneless hand. "This is a ghostly fire, you need to calm down Barbara in order to stop it! It's not even real, it's probably just an illusion!"

"Wha-", Delia just now saw Barbara, still floating a good feet above them, with rage in her eyes.

"Whaaa-?"

It was so early in the morning.

She had just wanted to prepare some chia pudding.

"Beetlejuice-", she stopped herself, clenching and unclenching her teeth, "Lawrence"

Lawrence didn't let go of her hand.

"Why is Barbara responsible for a fire, and how am I supposed to calm her down!"

"Uhh"

Adam would have turned red in embarrassment, if he hadn't been already dead.

Meanwhile, the fire was getting pretty far with torching up the foyer.

Lawrence was beginning to sweat, "She- You- .... Just apologise to her!"

" **Apologize for what?** ", Delia exclaimed, not one bit angry, just very desperate and at her wit's end.

Her mouth a thin line, she looked up to Barbara, "I'm sorry! Please stop burning up the house!"

"Please dear!", Adam shouted, just as exasperated, "It's not worth it!"

Lawrence meanwhile was getting really nervous.

The fire wasn't affected in the slightest, and Barbara still seemed to not even notice them. The only thing her eyes were focused on was Delia and Delia didn't even know what she was angry about.

"FINE!", Lawrence shouted. He let go of Delia and instead took Barbara's hands in his, "Babs I lied! I made it up! They don't wanna build a terrace and wreck your secret room, please calm down!"

Barbara did not calm down. But her eyes did widen in realization and the flames instantly disappeared, leaving behind a completely trashed and burned up kitchen and lightly crisp foyer.

And then Lawrence was gripped by the neck, picked up off the ground and slammed into that same ground, Barbara bending down above him, her eyes still white, and her grip on his neck like steel.

Her voice was very low and angry.

"I'm sorry", she said. "Delia, I'm sorry, we just wanted to", she sighed, exhaled, and finally let go of Beetlejuice.

"Lawrence wanted to teach me to better affect the living world - but we might have overdone it ...", she said while fully turning to Delia, "I'm really really sorry"

"ITS FINE!", Delia shouted, on the verge of panicking still, "Totally fine, I mean I wanted to renew the kitchen anyways, just gonna have to do it sooner than expected"

"Renew?", Adam asked.

Delia smiled shakily, "Yeah of course, the old one had an oven from 1997, it's a wonder that thing even still works"

Barbara's mouth turned into a thin line. "That's an antique Elmira stove, an original-"

"We'll just go into the attic, were it's safer to practice!", Beetlejuice interrupted her, and promptly fled with the couple in tow up the stairs.

*****

"Where are our otherworldly roommates anyways?", Charles asked.

They had spent most of the afternoon and evening having destroyed oven parts carted away, and were now looking up new paints for the foyer.

Charles wasn't that interested in colors or interior decoration, but he appreciated Delia making him a part of it.

What he didn't appreciate was the cause of it.

"They're hiding I think", not unkind, Delia added, "They have no idea what they're doing. They're basically baby ghosts, I'm sure they didn't intend to destroy that much"

"They only intended to destroy a little?"

Delia shrugged. "I think Adam and Barbara don't like me", she stated, defeated and vulnerable.

Charles sighed. He loved Delia with all his heart, and at least she knew that, but everyone else in her life was fair game for her hang ups.

"Dear - No one hates someone that easily. It takes passion and time, I think"

"They don't want us changing the house"

Delia had explained to Charles in great detail what had been said during the incident. There were still rooms that they deemed untouchable and the attic was basically theirs anyways.

"We haven't set up rules yet. If they stay with us, they have a right for parts of the house to be only theirs", he said.

Delia nodded, "Yes, but they won't come out and talk. Adam seemed embarrassed by the whole thing"

"Let them be for a while?", then Charles looked at the paint catalogue and his eyes drifted to the burnt up couch and shelf, next to the door leading into the kitchen. "But if something like that happens again- I mean if they can't control what they're capable of as .. ghosts- Well then I don't know if we can-" He stopped himself.

"We need to talk and set up rules!", Delia decided, a quiver in her voice, but a firm expression on her face.

"They'll come out to talk eventually", Charles agreed, "And then we'll establish how this is going to work"

"If it's going to work", Delia murmured, but Charles decided to change the topic. It didn't feel right to talk about the two if they weren't there to defend themselves anyways.

****

Barbara couldn't believe what she just heard.

"Rules!", she whispered to Adam, while they were both floating upwards through the floors, and into their attic, "Rules!", she repeated out loud, indignant.

It woke up Beetlejuice, who had been snoozing, curled up on an old mattress they'd wanted to throw out years ago.

"Rules are a good thing", Adam argued, "They said they wanted to talk with us about it!"

"I don't want to talk about it. This feels so wrong. Even in college we never had other roommates. It feels so shitty, Adam"

Adam's eyes widened.

"Did you just say 'shitty'?", Beetlejuice gasped.

Barbara nodded to both of them, looking defeated, "It's probably childish, but I liked having our own space and no one else to share it with. I don't wanna share it. We both don't like other people, Adam"

"We don't", Adam agreed. He had wanted to calm her down and see things from the Deetzes perspective, but ... "It would feel nice to be alone again. Just us two"

"Pff!", Beetlejuice huffed, "I know when I'm not wanted. Could have said it to my face"

He tried getting up from the mattress, but seemed to struggle to summon the strength for that. "Tired", he murmured, and gave up, remaining in a slumped over seated position.

"We don't mean all the time.", Adam gave him a smile, didn't even know why, but he supposed the demon deserved at least some kindness, "Thank you for actually teaching us something today. I mean it, Lawrence." He sat himself next to him, and looking him in the eye, hoping the next message especially, would get through: "But please, next time, be more careful with trying to get a rise out of us"

Beetlejuice looked at him, and surprisingly, just nodded. "That went overboard", he admitted.

"Point is", Barbara got them back on track, "We can't stay here"

"We've been here for 20 years!", Adam cried.

"And now we're leaving!", she faltered, when Adam didn't agree.

"Or we could go on a vacation?", she asked, with a helpless smile. A weak attempt at a joke.

"Where to?", Adam countered with a smirk, not really seriously asking.

"You could go to the Netherworld", Beetlejuice said, matter-of-factly.

"We'd be sucked in and lose our soul", they both replied.

"Huh", Beetlejuice laughed, "Who told you that crap?"

Then Beetlejuice had an idea. An amazing idea in fact. He leaned back, his eyes narrowing in a very cat-like way, "Well, I mean", he said with a smile, "Not without someone who keeps you from getting lost. With something like a guide on your side, it'd be a fun trip, I'm sure"

******

Look at these awesome doodles by my friends!!

TIRED BOY by the awesome @micaxiii on tumblr ! (they got aMAZINg AUs and comics over there, pls go check their stuff out !

These are by @tatertotvenom over on instagram! UwU go send them some love!!


	4. even more crying, jesus christ, as if chapter 2 didn't have enough of that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's got beetlelands

"We might be polite and nice, but we're not gullible, Beetlejuice!"

Adam sounded offended, but then again, his face was still conveying calm amiableness.

Beetlejuice crossed his arms and sulked.

He didn't say anything.

Feeling awkward, Barbara felt the need to explain further. "Besides, as much as we'd want to, we shouldn't run away from this problem", she said.

"That's the thing though!", Beetlejuice said, "You totally should! Why do something you don't want to? Or don't do something you want to?"

Barbara and Adam shared a concerned glance, as they often did, when in conversation with the former demon.

It was silent for a bit. Then several things happened in very quick succession.

1\. Beetlejuice stood up and produced a piece of chalk out of his hoodie pocket.

2\. Adam noticed and gasped.

3\. Beetlejuice drew a door.

4\. Barbara now took notice as well, and started shouting "No!"

5\. Beetlejuice knocked on it once.

6\. Twice.

7\. Thrice.

And the next thing the Maitlands saw were two fingers snapping in front of their faces. Human fingers, black nails.

The snapping became more urgent.

"Hey-hey! Maaaaaitlaaaands!", Beetlejuice crooned, singing the last word.

Adam's eyes were the first to focus. He shook his head as if it had gotten splashed with water and took in his surroundings.

Barbara woke up after him, but after looking around, reacted first. Her mouth fell open.

"This is ...", she started, and stopped.

"Breathtaking? Awe-inspiring? So beautiful you might just forget all your earthly troubles, which you shouldn't even have anymore, because you're not at all earthly anymore?"

She didn't look at Beetlejuice, instead turning through 360 degrees. Thick vegetation surrounded them, birds were chirping, butterflies flapping through a sunny haze that enveloped the whole clearing they were standing in - the sky was a blinding white, and just a bit further away from them, the white was transforming into a glittery pool of water. A waterfall.

"What is this?", Barbara asked.

"A waterfall"

"Beetlejuice", Adam chided.

The human snickered, but put his hands in the air, a placatory gesture.

"Alright, alright, I'll explain", he laughed, heartily, "I brought you to a 'safe space', as the kids would say. This glade is a little pocket dimension, located underneath the office of a friend of mine. She was always chill with me hanging here, so I'm sure she won't mind you checking in for a few hours"

Adam and Barbara blinked in unison. They didn't say anything for a while, and slowly realized what must have happened.

"You opened the door to the netherworld - and - and - and - Why can't we remember anything after that?", Adam cried out.

"Uh, yeah. It's kinda obvious, babe. Ghosts - which you are, by the way; you seem to forget that a lot - tend to lose their will when the fog sets in, but I guided you through it, no problem", Beetlejuice puffed out his chest, obviously very proud of himself, sporting a huge grin.

A genuine grin, not even a bit maniacal, Adam noticed.

But he couldn't take that into consideration now.

He wrung his hands.

"You can't just do that to us without asking first!!", he exclaimed.

The birds stopped chirping.

After two seconds though, they were at it again, only temporarily spooked by the ghost's outburst.

Beetlejuice meanwhile, was looking slightly sheepish, like a kid who'd gotten caught stealing out of the insect jar. "Alright, alright, asking you first would have been the nice thing to do. But in case you haven't noticed: I'm not a nice guy! And you would have never agreed to go anyways!"

Barbara sighed, but not without humor in her voice, she said, "So you just decide to basically knock us out and kidnap us, did I get that right?"

Beetlejuice grinned mischievously, his eyes glinting with childish glee. Adam and Barbara both couldn't help but blush a little. His demeanor wasn't malicious. This was all like a game to him. Just playful fun.

 _He's a bit like a douchey, but charming pirate_ , Adam caught himself thinking, _Who thinks abducting someone is the equivalent of casually asking someone out._

Barbara meanwhile, was noticing how the sun reflected off of the bird's nest atop the former demon's head. Although it wasn't really that wild anymore - before it had stuck in the air at a 90 degree angle after all - probably held up by thousand year old dirt. Now it was still pretty fluffy and bouncy, but instead of being stuck in one position, it actually flopped over into his face, almost obscuring his right eye. It looked cute.

She got startled by that.

Did she really just think of him as _cute_?

He seemed so excited and happy to share this place with them.

Before either of them could form rational conclusions out of their thoughts, the man in question stepped between them, each of his hands on the small of the back of one Maitland, and maneuvering them towards the glittering pool.

"Okay okay, enough bickering, I want you guys to relax and have a good time, alright?"

"In a pool? With _you_?", Adam cried out, indignant, trying to dig his heels into the earth, but Beetlejuice was surprisingly strong, using his weight to push them along.

"Usually I'd jump at the chance, babe, but I still got some business to attend to"

Barbara's ears perked up at that.

That was highly unusual of him.

She noticed that they were almost at the edge now, where the grass started to thin out, and the surface of the water shimmered in all the colors of the rainbow, almost blinding to their eyes.

It didn't seem to affect Beetlejuice though, who without warning, pushed against their backs, chucking them both into the water.

Instantly soaked wet and gasping for breath they didn't need, they soon realized that it was only shoulder deep and surprisingly hot, but not uncomfortably scorching.

"What the- What the **heck** , Beetlejuice!", Adam shouted, splashing his fists into the water's surface. "Why did you do that?", Barbara joined in, too surprised to be angry (honestly she almost felt like laughing at the ridiculousness of it all). She began wading through the thick water, to try to climb out of it and get some revenge, maybe push the human in too. She was walking slower with every step though. The warm water felt kind of ... kind of nice, actually. Soothing, like a thick, weighted blanket in the middle of a snowstorm.

She hadn't really put much thought into it, but being a ghost didn't come with much warmth, not even when Adam and Barbara were touching. They both felt like ice to each other. They got used to it, she supposed.

"This water feels really nice", Adam said next to her, surprised, confused, but above all beginning to feel relaxed, without wanting to.

They both looked up at Beetlejuice, still standing at the edge, a doofy grin plastered all over his face.

"YES!", he cheered, "I knew you'd love it! As ghosts you naturally crave what you lost with your death. One of those things is warmth! And this pool is specifically designed to provide you with that! It's state of the art! Miss A worked her ass off saving up for it", he paused here, fixing the Maitlands with a serious and slightly terrified stare, "Please neither break, nor poop into it or she'll never talk to me again!"

Adam and Barbara had many questions, but Adam finally settled on, "Who's Miss A?"

"Oh she's busy all the time, you probably won't ever meet her", Beetlejuice replied, "Now- don't fuck this up. I'm doing a nice thing for you here - You relax for a while, think about the benefits of either killing Della or becoming roommates with her- And I'll be back in no time, and bring you back, and then we can do this every other weekend, ease you into it, I'll join you sometime, we have some water sex, it'll be great-"

"What if we don't even want to relax like this, Beetlejuice!", Adam shouted, "We said we wanted a vacation, yeah, but you can't just assume- and then do stuff without even-, you need to _ask_ people, before-"

"How long will you be gone?", Barbara interrupted Adam.

 _Are we actually trusting him?_ , Adam silently asked her with an urgent glare.

 _Trust me on this_ , Barbara's eyes said in return.

Beetlejuice didn't notice any of that, because his eyes had been fixed on some especially loud birds above them. He seemed to have missed that Barbara's last sentence had even been a question.

Did he just ... lose interest? Barbara and Adam watched him watch birds for a few eerie seconds.

Were those ghost birds?, Barbara wondered.

"Right", Beetlejuice said, at last, eyes fixing them again. "I need to go. It won't take long for someone to notice a breather. I probably already reek of bowel movements and hair follicles. Give me about two hours and I'll be back to guide you through the fog"

And then he just walked off.

Adam shouted a frail "Wait!", but even if he had heard, Beetlejuice would have probably continued marching off.

"What was that?!", Adam shouted.

Barbara sighed, and leaned against edge of the pool, letting the water envelop her.

"Do you think he actually wanted to do something nice for us?", she asked. A lot more unsure, she added, "And do you think I'm dumb if I'd think that's kind of adorable of him?"

Adam gave her a little peck on the cheek, "I think he's got his own sort of charm. That charm is probably a disease called Stockholm's syndrome, but ...", his face turned serious, "About this thing as a whole though-"

Adam didn't say anything for a while.

"He said he needed business to attend to. Don't know where that came from, since he didn't voice any desire to return to the netherworld until two minutes ago. I don't think it's a completely altruistic gesture"

"Hm", with a bit of a struggle, Barbara managed to climb out of the pool, and immediately regretted it. A bit of heat had started to build up in her, so she wasn't immediately cold again, but she felt it diminishing with every second. The thought of letting herself sink back again, maybe even into the arms of Adam and just enjoying some couple time alone was so beautiful to her.

 _Concentrate_.

"Do you think we should follow him?", she asked Adam, and offered him a hand, to help him up, which he gladly took.

" _Can_ we even do that?", Adam asked.

"He said humans smelled ...", Barbara said.

They both started sniffing the air, and their eyes lit up.

A weirdly animal-, or dog-like smell followed the path they'd seen Beetlejuice take, directly into the forest.

They shared a look.

"What if we get lost?", Adam asked.

"We won't!", Barbara said. After a bit, she added, "We are the ghosts here after all! Technically, this should be our domain"

Adam's eyebrows suddenly furrowed, confused, "I'm actually ... I'm actually a bit worried for him"

Barbara snickered, mostly surprised at his words, "We might be ghosts, but this is his home - at least I think so? I'm sure he can take care of himself"

"I am serious", Adam said, then his eyes became very big, "Barbara, what he was before doesn't matter, he's a human in the netherworld! Lydia said they wanted to kill her for that, when she was in that situation! And this 'business' he's attending to? It might not be altruistic, but I don't think it's anything malicious, or he wouldn't have told us about it"

"So we should go after him, is what you're saying?", Barbara said, uncertain, and stole a glance back at the beautiful pool and the chirping birds and butterflies, "Or we could just have a nice day for a change? We had a pretty rough week?"

"Barbara Maitland!", Adam said, and took her hand in his, "I am surprised at you! He basically left us at a daycare like children and you wanna give into that?"

"But it's warm, Adam!", she whined.

"No!", Adam persisted, "We will find out what this big idiot is up to, and rescue him, because ... ", here he faltered a bit, " ... Because even though he's a jerk, he doesn't deserve to die again!"

He looked into Barbara's eyes, a confident smile on him.

"Okay Adam. Okay"

She looked to the ground, then the pool, then up at him again.

"5 more minutes?"

"5 more minutes!", Adam agreed immediately, and they hopped in again, their splashing so loud, they stunned the songbirds into permanent silence.

****

They could follow the smell well enough through the forest. The further they travelled, the more their surroundings changed until the forest had completely morphed into an office hallway, grey and drab, with thousands of doors on either side.

The black and white checkered floor made them slightly dizzy.

So far, no one else, neither ghost, nor demon, not even a stray human, had crossed paths with them. The only thing accompanying them was Beetlejuice's strangely animal-like aroma.

"I have completely lost track of time", Adam admitted, after he looking at his watch, which had stopped working after being smashed by their deadly fall through the floor.

Barbara's forehead wrinkled, "We did go 923 steps, so that's roughly 35 minutes?"

"I love you Barbara", Adam sighed, with a big smile, "Beetlejuice said it would take him two hours to do what he wanted to do - If we don't find him, we-"

Abruptly, they stopped, in front of something that looked like a janitor's closet. They opened it and found an elevator inside.

The whole room was filled with Beetlejuice's odor, as if he'd been touching every single surface of it.

Only one button on the control board. Next to that one button, the metal letters had been angrily scratched out several times, making them unreadable.

"I'll push the button", Barbara felt the need to warn Adam, before she did it.

Adam only nodded.

The tiny room shook, and they registered a faint sensation of going upwards.

The door vis-à-vis to the door they had come through, opened, and what they were greeted with was ... not what they expected.

At first it seemed like a completely empty room. The walls were bare, except for some spiderwebs. There were papers and post-it notes strewn about but you wouldn't have noticed, as they where as grey as the rest of the furniture in it. There was a small desk to the right, a boarded-up window in the middle, and next to it, to the left, a single worn out mattress, with a human sitting on it, eyes completely transfixed on a book he was holding.

He looked up.

He didn't seem surprised by their entrance, more resigned and weary, which in turn, surprised the Maitlands.

"I thought I told you to stay back at the pool - Why can't you just enjoy stuff for once", he grouched, his sad frown deepening.

Both Maitlands noticed how he immediately hid the book he'd been so spell-bound by in that hoodie pocket of his.

Barbara crossed her arms and straightened her back, her eyes fierce. "Tell us what you're really up to!"

Beetlejuice laughed, surprised, "Or what?"

Barbara didn't back down, "Or we snitch on you! We'll wail and scream until other ghosts show up and ...", she faltered, " ... And k- kill you!", she managed to finish her sentence, even though the thought of someone getting killed because of her was pretty much unbearable to her.

Beetlejuice's face softened and he shook his head.

"No need! Please spare me Barbara, I'm so afraid!", he laughed, and looked up at her with so much affection.

But his laugh sounded very hollow. It was fake.

Barbara was now twice as suspicious.

"What game are you playing?!", she demanded, "What are you hiding from us! If you're in any sort of trouble, maybe we can help-"

Without wanting to, Barbara's gaze landed on his hoodie pocket.

He followed her gaze and instantly deflated even more. He could have been the face for the definition of sadness, when they had stepped into the room. Now his shoulders sagged, tired, and he stood up, pulling out the book and holding it up for Adam and Barbara to see. It was pretty battered, the cover torn right off, the pages frazzled and grey. Although a lot of the paper had been angrily torn out, what was left built up to at least a hundred pages.

"Since you guys are threatening my life, I have no choice but to surrender and tell you the truth", he snarked, his smirk affectionate, "I'm trembling in fear by the way"

He sighed, his cheeks suddenly reddening.

"It's my diary", he said, avoiding eye contact, "I wanted to have it back, after- Well I haven't been to my room since Mom banished me"

That made the Maitlands mighty uncomfortable.

For a while nobody said anything.

"That makes sense", Barbara finally whispered to herself, which gave Beetlejuice a much wanted comedic escape out of the awkward situation, "I sure hope so, Detective. Please don't arrest me. I know diaries have been outlawed for a while, and-", he stopped himself, "Aw fuck it, I don't wanna come up with anything funny"

"You don't have to!", Adam said, helpfully, "We shouldn't have intruded! Although, wait ... That means-!"

He looked at Barbara, his expression mirrored in hers, "That thing with the lake wasn't a front? You really wanted to do something nice for us? This diary thing-"

"Yeah well, you said you wanted alone time, and I had wanted to go and get it back since I've turned human, so- Ugh! Eh! Yeah!", Beetlejuice's blush deepened, "You don't have to get all mushy about it! Don't mention it!! It was a two-bugs-with-one-bite-deal or something-"

He looked around and brightened up a bit, "Let's get out of this dump, yeah? I've got what I came for, and you clearly aren't physically able to chill, because even given a pool, specifically designed for ghosts for this one purpose, you managed to-", he had been marching to the door, but was stopped by Adam touching his shoulder, when he tried walking past them.

"You sure, you're alright?", Adam asked.

"Huh?", Beetlejuice snorted, "Uh yeah, duh. Didn't have a fight on the way here, so yeah. No one around here, since this is all Juno's territory"

"We don't mean physically", Barbara explained.

"Oh"

They noticed Beetlejuice was grasping his diary like it was burning hot, shifting it in his hands.

"So _are_ you alright?", Barbara asked again.

"No not really, since this is the place where Mom locked me up in when she was having her drunken nights. She'd scream at me, then get sad and guilt stricken and mumble something about not wanting to hurt me in her state, so i got thrown in here"

Silence.

" _'STAY IN THERE, USELESS LITTLE BRAT'_ , she'd say", Beetlejuice suddenly shouted.

He hadn't even noticed he was crying, until Adam's hand was on his cheek, wiping at the tears.

"That's ... That's absolutely horrible", Adam said, with his big eyes watering as well. Barbara's horrified face behind him, made the whole scene even more unbearable for Beetlejuice.

He flinched, "Why, why am I crying?" He started to tremble.

"Maitlands ... ", he looked at them, eyes forlorn and confused, "I told you about Mom before ... Why ... would it affect me like this now? I didn't ... didn't cry - never di- did", he broke down into full on sobs and Adam had already enveloped the smaller man in a hug, before he had even uttered out the last word.

"I think this trip was a bad idea", Beetlejuice wailed, completely soaking Adam's shoulders in his tears.

"Bee-", Barbara didn't know how to say it. But she had to, and she hoped it wouldn't hurt the guy even more, "Lawrence", she said, without realizing it, "Lawrence, maybe you're crying now, because there's nothing to distract you?"

"What? Ugh ... That's new!", Lawrence croaked, slightly annoyed, but mostly heartbroken, "You're not gonna say it's because I'm human?"

Adam was still holding him, but found it necessary to look the guy in the eyes, for the next words he was going to say.

"I'm pretty sure, you've broken into tears before, even as a demon", Adam said.

"I mean yeah, when I was younger maybe, but not because of _this_ stuff! Mom was always shitty, so it became normal"

"It was never normal!", Barbara shouted.

Both men looked at her, feeling a rant upcoming. But Barbara kept it short and concise: "Your only goal was getting rid of this curse, right?"

Lawrence nodded, his single focus on her.

"Well, now you've accomplished that goal! Before now, you could distract yourself with ridiculous schemes and oneliners. Now you're done and all that's left to think about is actually you. That's why you're crying all the time."

It seemed Barbara was coming to this conclusion while speaking, and at the end she looked just as surprised as the other two in the room.

"Oh", Lawrence finally said.

He let go of Adam and hugged his diary instead. It made Adam feel strangely cold and empty.

"So is this just you calling me a giant pussy, Barbara?"

"No, Lawrence!", Barbara immediately replied, almost frustrated.

"I'm honestly sorry for what happened to you", she got quiet after that.

"Me too", Adam said, on the verge of tearing up again.

"Well that's super nice of you guys, that you're sorry about my mom being a giant asshole."

A pause.

"Wanna make it up to me with water sex?"

They both shot him an unimpressed look, not in the least bit amused.

"Oh come on, I see your glances!", Beetlejuice snarked, "Adam's into it"

"And there we have it! This is you deflecting!", Barbara exclaimed, now actually really frustrated.

"Well if it helps me not crying my eyes out, I'll continue doing it!"

"That's not healthy!", Barbara shouted.

"And when exactly did you get your degree as a licensed therapist for dead-born abominations with mommy issues?!", Lawrence shouted right back.

"I don't need one, to see through your shit, because your cries for help are so blatant, they border on attention seeking!"

"Ohhh, Barb got a mean streak in her after all!"

"That's rich coming from someone as infuriating as you!"

"Ha! You hate me! Of course you do! Probably just after my sexy body, just like everybody else!"

"STOP DEFLECTING!"

"STOP LYING!"

"WHAT?"

They had gotten closer and closer, and louder with every sentence, and now only inches apart, forehead to forehead, Barbara could smell the salty tears still smeared all over the human's face.

"What the fu- _heck_ would we lie about?", Barbara asked, at a normal volume again.

"This whole touchy feely display! This hugging me and listening to me! You can't really mean it after this short of a time! And earlier comments about my mom, when I was still a demon, didn't faze you at all. Why would you care now-"

"Because now you're not actively trying to kill us!", she shouted.

Barbara was exasperated, "Just to remind you: you actually stepped in front of Juno and tried to stop her when she wanted to take Lydia and Charles! You offered Juno to do anything to you, if it meant these two could stay!"

"That's pretty heroic of you, if you ask me", Adam chimed in.

Lawrence wiped his nose, his face all red and blotchy, from all the nervous rubbing and scratching.

"I guess, I did do that, yeah"

He stood there, for a while. Lost and unsure which joke would land now, after two of his attempts had horribly failed.

"You really like me?", he asked in a very meek and quiet voice.

Adam and Barbara both took one his arms and hugged him as tight as they could and he finally relaxed in their arms.

After a while Adam was gracious enough to allow jokes into the mood again.

"So this is your room?"

"Total shithole right?", Lawrence instantly replied, they could hear his relieved grin through his voice.

Barbara slowly disentangled herself from Beetlejuice and Adam. "Let's leave this shithole behind then, yeah?"

"Yeah", both men replied.

****

Look at this super cute art [@have-a-gay-day on tumblr](https://have-a-gay-day.tumblr.com/) drew!! Go check out her blog and give her love !! ;v;;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the idea for human!beej's hair being floppier now came from @ blue_star_charmer on instagram !! please go check them out they're amazing ;V;
> 
> and the inspiration for having the reason behind beej being more emotional be something else than simply him turning human came from @ micaxiii on tumblr - in their paraphrased words "that bitch was an emotional mess throughout the entire musical"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be completely honest with you: i have two sentence long outlines for five more chapters planned, but i don't know when or if i'm gonna write them, because my main game is drawing - but this one chapter just magically appeared in my text edit and so here it is! If anyone wants to write something with this idea/or an idea similar to this please do, you don't have to credit me, i just really REALLY wanna see more content of human!Beetlejuice trying to cope with being human ;V; Love you guys, hope you're having a nice day, Peace!^^


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